Celebrating him!

Funny, Clever and Brave...
Irreverent, Naughty and Rather Kind...
Loved and missed
Laughter is good. We all know that.

Knowing how to make people laugh and forget sweating the tedious small stuff for a little while is better yet!
It brings a kind of relaxation to the face -
and spirit!
Rob could do that...

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Reflection


Five months have gone by since Rob died. I can still see him so clearly in my mind. Memories are vivid: moments, expressions, touch, laughter, meals cooked, misunderstandings, tight hugs, journeys, conversations, discussions, his funny eyebrows thing when I told him secrets...

This photo reflects his snapdragons. My laptop camera can't do them justice so I post this professional picture instead. We dug out a new border here at my home this Spring. He sowed snapdragon seeds my mum had collected and sent. They came up in masses! And have flourished and flowered all summer and are still going now. No rust, no mildew in spite of the density - just marvellous. They make me smile.

I miss him intensely. "Miss" is a poor word for it. Yet I can't find a better one. I can think of at least twenty words that are appropriate and true, but none that act as an umbrella for all the feelings, other than "miss".

Being with him was like being home. If that that makes sense. Soulmates. I never knew that that kind of loving existed before. It brought such energy to me and also calm. I never felt so happy and safe as I did in our time together - being myself unreservedly. Loving him entirely as he was. For who he was.

:-)

The distance between us, 70 fast miles on the motorways, two homes/two families meant missing each other often. In between times we phoned and texted constantly, "touching base" Rob called it. Sometimes misunderstandings cropped up. Misunderstandings brought desolation. All was always healed within moments of seeing each other. We were like teenagers, but we were grown-ups too. Parents first and foremost.

This grief sometimes feels like a giant misunderstanding. Sometimes in my heart I cry "where are you? Are you OK? I'll come straight over. If you like..." "If you like" was what I always said. The right to choose, the right to be free are things I value tremendously. I never took him for granted and nor did he me. I still won't take him for granted now.

I know I'll see him again one day. I've a solid belief in the afterlife. And have done since my sister died.
But - and it's a very important But -
Hey! I'll be this wizened and wrinkled grey haired old lady by then and he'll still be a handsome 46!!

Ah, it's important to keep laughing. Or trying too. Humour he knew, was a powerful tool. Rob would have made a kind of plan in this situation, modelled a new way of thinking of life. He was very sensible. A new worldview he'd have called it.

I'm working on it...

12 comments:

Simon said...

I think the afterlife is timeless and you take on the skin that you are most comfortable with.

So you might find yourself with a teenage Rob!

merry weather said...

That is good news. Thanks!

And I'm guessing you're speaking from experience -

The teens, the time when innocence evolves into absolute clarity and wisdom... When elders know nothing at all...

Well, I've also got two teens here, deep sigh - and yet saying "teenagers" I'm still harking back to that moment...

Oddly enough :-)

(It's a good thought!)

ladythinker said...

Oh Kate - that's all you can do is 'keep working on it'.

And to have lost a sister too - so sad.

That's the main "trouble" with loving - losing the ones we love.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all . . " - On bad days I sometimes wonder about this!

Big hugs.

merry weather said...

Bigs hugs back Penny.

:-)

I can see you know this road. And I'm sorry for that. Thanks for your kind words.

Anya said...

Happy New Year!!
We wish you a joyful life
full of healthy, happiness and pleasure :)

Hugs Love Anya

Kareltje =^.^=

Betsie =(^.^)=

Ms Smack said...

Miss you Rob.

x

merry weather said...

Warmest wishes sent to you Anya and may comfort and peace come to you in your great loss.

(Hugs to the cats!)

merry weather said...

Cath I'm sure that's heard...

Hug to you X

:-)

Maggie May said...

A beautiful poignant post and I hope the hurting gets less as more time goes by. But you won't forget.
You won't be a wizened old lady in the after life. You will be your perfect age & so will Rob.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

merry weather said...

Thank you for stopping in here Maggie - and for leaving those wise words. Much appreciated..
Kate X

Margie said...

So sorry for your loss of Rob ....
May his memory always be a blessing!

Ms Smack said...

Hey Rob and Kate,

As 21st May quickly approaches, I'm just stopping by to let you both know that I'm thinking of you, and Kate, I am hoping that can plan a supportive network of friends to laugh with, have a drink of champers with, read a funny Rob story, or write your love on a leaf and let it sail down the water.

In memory of Rob
Never forgotten
one year on.

x
Cath